Choose What You Are
For a lot of my life, I’ve been on a journey to find myself. Now, I’m slowly beginning to accept that I will never just discover a specific niche that I fit into. I’ve come to believe that humans have to create their own place to exist in this universe and forge their identities from raw material, rather than passively accepting what is handed to them because they’re afraid of taking what they want. People are not objects to be located, but worlds to explore: worlds that are constantly expanding and changing. Things beyond our control will collide into us and do their part to shape us, but we are powerfully alive; we too can shape ourselves, slowly but surely, the way we choose to.
Growing up, in my struggle to locate the noteworthy elements in myself, I gave up on things that didn’t come to me as quickly, easily or naturally, no matter how much joy I could see them bringing me if I learned how to make them mine. I didn’t want to be wrong about who I was, so I waited for destiny to hand me my roles and titles. Getting good grades was one of those things, and I never had to push myself too hard in primary and middle school, so I assumed that I was just smart. People recognized my artistic interests, so I was creative. And from birth, I was Indian, so that was the culture I had to live up to.
But the more I went through life, the more nuance I witnessed in who I was. Struggling with challenging classes in high school, while some coasted through them, made me question if I was smart. I enjoyed singing, making art, and crafting, but I didn’t have the desire to pursue any skills in particular when there were people that seemed to be born with an innate talent and draw to a specific medium. Was I even capable of making art? I was always hesitant to pursue something that wasn’t my “thing.” When I moved to India for middle school, I could tell that I did not fit in as a local, and when I later moved back to the U.S., I became unfamiliar once more. I let these interactions with society, all my comparisons with who I thought I wasn’t, and the lenses with which I thought I knew others would perceive me shape my vision of myself. As if it’s up to the world to decide what I can be. I let what I believed to be shortcomings within myself prevent me from trying, because trying meant I wasn’t doing something I wasn’t good at, and what’s the point of that?
As I got older, I came to face reality: the important things in life are rarely ever handed to you. You have to work for them, whether that’s learning how to study effectively, honing a skill through dedication and perseverance, or developing your cultural knowledge. Being able to choose your purpose is a blessing and a responsibility that you need to honor with hard work. Let people think what they want about what you should and shouldn’t be. It won’t change your truth. Furthermore, your destiny is molded by the choices you make with the passage of time. Skills take time to hone, and even a natural aptitude for something will take you nowhere if you don’t polish it. The trial and error process of finding study techniques that work for me improved my grades, which made me realize that being smart came with hard work. Taking singing lessons helped me realize that I have the power to express myself through art – lack of perfection doesn’t make me undeserving of doing so – and accepting that I have many layers of culture woven in me helped me find peace with not being fully one thing in particular.
One of my favorite quotes is “I contain multitudes,” (Walt Whitman), and that phrase is what I repeat to myself whenever I find myself trying to fit into a little box. Humans are complex in the most beautiful ways. Each person has so many roles they fulfill, and although it can be difficult for all the different aspects of our lives to coexist all the time, we’re allowed to be a lot of things, at whatever capacity we have. Being one thing doesn’t automatically make you not another thing, even if those things seem contradictory. I am my parents’ loving daughter, an ambitious student, a kind friend, and a curious young woman learning what makes her happy, just to name a few parts of me. Sometimes being all those things at once feels messy, but that’s okay. When life gets messy and I find myself in bits and pieces in everything around me, I remind myself that I am a mosaic – made of numerous fragments, but whole, and unique. The only role I can play is my own, and there’s no manual for that, so I’m going to learn as I go, and I’m going to be proud of it.
